I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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