she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
