they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
