I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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