just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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