im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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