You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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