Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
