Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
