Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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