I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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