I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
