While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
