ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Your cock deserves a montage
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
