One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
