The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
