My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
