oh god the rape fog is back!
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
