I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
