My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
