you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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