does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
