My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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