thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
