Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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