I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
