is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
