just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
