Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
