do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
