True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
