oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
