he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
