If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
