We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Found your dick twin last night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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