I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
