OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
