Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
