like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
