This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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