Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
