The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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