I can text with my tongue
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
