the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
