I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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