So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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