she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
