I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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