cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
where am i from again
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
