Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
