dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
