I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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